It's time for ME to get serious...

So much on my mind…so much I want to write about (job search, family issues, friends, etc.) …but, today I’m thinking I just have to process “out loud” what God is stirring in my heart/what I’m struggling with currently. I’m not sure if this will even make sense…

I was recently involved in a discussion about how “mature Christians” should not need to be “spoon fed”…that as someone that has had a personal relationship with Christ (for a long time) we/they should be able to be “self feeders” – studying God’s word on their own (since they have been “spoon fed” along the way and know how to do it for themselves by now).

This hits home to me because in my job I deal with questions about “Why don’t we have this study available?” and “Why don’t we offer this certain class?” etc. (And the questions usually come from women that have been Christ followers for a LONG time…and have participated in a lot of classes). When I am focused on “them” and “their question”, I can be quick to point out that as a “mature Christian” they should be doing that themselves – studying God’s word, leading a bible study in their own spear of influence, having personal quality time with God, etc.. It’s easy for me to wonder “Why are they not doing that?...They have been taught, they know what do to, they have resources, they have history with how God works and what He says…and I know that THEY know it’s important to make their relationship with God a priority – to keep it fresh and growing. What's up with them...that they need someone to do it for them?”

But... when I turn those questions to ME

(as God has been prompting me in the last few days)…

UGH…

that’s where it gets uncomfortable and,

quite frankly,

causes me to get nauseated.

What about ME?...I accepted Christ as my Savior at the ripe old age of about 10…then made it truly personal in my early 20’s and then became serious about following Him after my children were born. Do I not still want and “expect” to be “spoon fed” at this point? Do I look to someone else to provide me the tools, the “program”, the night of the week/time to study? Do I look to others to challenge me or “make me” study the word?

I work for a church for goodness sake…I help (hopefully) women connect to each other and to Christ on a daily basis. I try to encourage and challenge and work hard to help provide opportunities for women to grow and be developed. But…in the quiet moments when I’m just with my own thoughts – do I still struggle with wanting someone to do the work FOR ME in regards to my relationship with Christ.

Today I’m struggling with “When was the last time YOU, Lori Lynn Eubanks, were CONSISTENT with God on your own…when was the last time you sat, opened His word and just had time CONSISTENTLY with Him – not just to work through a bible study lesson so you didn’t feel “lame” for not doing it…but just because you are so in awe of who He is, that you NEED, WANT, DESIRE to be with Him?”

Please do not misunderstand what I am trying to express (but might be saying poorly) – I am NOT, in ANY way saying that “organized” studies or accountability is not important (dare I say “necessary”). But – what I AM saying is that FOR ME (and maybe for others that have been on this path for a long time), isn’t it time to REALLY get serious about this? Isn’t it time for me to build my schedule around time with Him…instead of fitting him in when I’m in crisis or have a few extra minutes…or dare I say, cause it’s part of my job? (OUCH!) Don’t I believe and know better at this point? Shouldn’t I have moved past the justification part of all this – gotten past the “I really don’t have time” stuff (when I know every contestant on most reality TV shows by name and update face book hourly?)”

So – there you have it. I’m just a girl… on a journey… and admitting that often I don’t want to do the actual WORK that a deeper relationship with Christ requires. I’m quite ashamed to admit that as a “paid Christian” it’s still a struggle for me and that often He is NOT my #1 priority. I just felt the need to “throw it out there” - to admit that I NEED to be in His word…NEED to be spending time COMMUNICATING with Him (for me that means praying…and then SHUTTING UP to listen)…and NEED to reorganize my life so that I’m not “working Him in” but actually putting Him first.

While God has been working on my heart…He’s also been faithful to remind me that GRACE is truly what He is all about! I love that He longs for time with me…even when I don’t “long” for time with Him. The thought of Him standing, looking at me – arms open wide, with a BEAMING smile and pride in His eyes, truly makes this journey worth it. It’s time for me to re-engage some…to get serious about my relationship with the one that gave His life for me.

Where are you in this journey? I'd love to hear about it.

Sorry for the “rant” – hope I made some sense…(but really, it's ok if I didn't to you... This was all about HIM!)

Lori

P.S. Job Search update: still looking (please keep praying)! :)

Grab a Pen...

Someone asked me (after learning about this blog), “What’s the first piece of advice you plan to give regarding job loss/supporting your husband, etc?”. While I have many, many thoughts running through my head, without a doubt my first tidbit would be, “Keep a journal!”

The first time we went though this it was 1997…we began in September and Tom (finally) accepted a new job in July 1998…yep – a whopping 10 months! There were moments during that 10 months that I honestly don’t think I will EVER forget…however, I’m so VERY thankful that I took the time to journal about all the other moments as well.

I have a $2.00 spiral notebook (that I probably received at some women’s conference/retreat or something) that I picked up in 1997 and started recording my thoughts…and most importantly, the ways in which God provided for our family. I will say, without a doubt, that if the house was burning down – this is one “possession” that I would take the time to grab before I ran. It’s precious to me…there are moments that I just pick it up off the shelf, blow the dust off of it (I talk more than I clean!!) and read an entry. At the time, I was just following the advice from a friend that had walked a similar road…so, now I’m passing it along as well…WRITE YOUR JOURNEY DOWN!

I don’t typically “journal” daily…but I think it’s SO important in the times of trial/stress/heartache to have a place to pour out your thoughts of despair as well as record the AMAZING ways God provides. So – if you are walking through something right now – start writing down your thoughts, your prayers, the miracles you witness (look for them…THEY ARE THERE!) and what God teaches you during the trip!

I plan to occasionally share one of the entries from 1997/1998…just because there are amazing stories/miracles that happened – and I’m thankful I have a recording of it…

2/8/98
I started off so well….trying to keep track of the ways God used people to encourage us. I missed many…and wish I would have kept a better account.

This is a time of my life I will never forget…how sad I feel for those who do not have Christian friends, a church home, and family. Thank you, Father, for carrying us during this time…for my relationship with my husband being stronger than ever…and for the way you have worked in our lives.

Thank you that the girls (who were then 12, 10 & 3) really do seem “ok” with the situation and that they pray about it and ask others to pray for our family (in BSF/Sunday School).

Thank you for refreshing my soul as I have read back over this “little book” that I started so long ago. How fearful I was earlier tonight about what tomorrow holds...why do I fear when I think of all the prayer that has gone in to this? Thank you for the hope and comfort you have given me in these moments. Good night – I’m actually excited to see what tomorrow holds!

-------

On a side note…isn’t it interesting that even back in 1998 I was using “quotes” and “…” about every other sentence!! ;)

Start writing -
Lori

"ATTACK" - wow...shocking!?!

So – looking back over your life can you see the “enemy’s attack” when you step out in obedience? Man, I sure can! Should we not EXPECT it by now? Is it just me that sometimes “forgets” and then is shocked when it happens??

Take today for instance…I’m “basking in the goodness” of checking “START THE BLOG” off my to-do list. People’s comments are sweet and someone even called to tell me that they were holding me accountable to keep it up, etc. I’ve made a list of different topics I want to write about….even had one mapped out to post today (hey – I had it done last night but wanted to make people wait for it! Hahaha!)

But – in steps SATAN…trying to mess with my head – make me back off and change my focus. This afternoon I’ve heard little recordings going off in my head –

“Yeah Lori – you’re REAL “spiritual”…such a great example…

if only people could see how you talked to your husband this afternoon!”

and

“Good job girl…way to be supportive of the guy you are proclaiming to

support, respect and love!”

Ugh….

My biggest fear is that this blog will be, “Do what God tells me to write/share…NOT WHAT I ACTUALLY DO!” I soooo don’t want it to be that but – after the “discussion” (Ok…”FIGHT”) that Tom and I had this afternoon…I’m feeling a little defeated! There were tears (mine!), a few raised voices (mine again!), lots of frustration that we didn’t understand each other and some hurtful comments. I’m ashamed and sorry for the way I handled things – I’ve apologized to God and will to Tom as well (when he returns from umpiring a few games tonight…more on that later). Looking back it was probably a discussion that needed to happen, as there were some issues that needed to be addressed…just not the way we choose to “address” it.

But as I sit here now – still sad about the way I handled things, I know that this has MUCH more to do with Satan’s attempt to make me shut the thing down and go along my merry way. I know he HATES to see marriages survive and can’t stand anyone that would speak up and say “I love my unemployed husband and am trusting God to provide for our family...and we ARE gonna make it!”

I’ve been “warned”, in the past, by well-meaning friends that have been concerned that I’ve put my devotion and love for Tom and my family “out there” too much (I know – some of you have gagged on a few facebook status updates!). But – this chick isn’t backing down…I (we) have fought hard for this marriage and for our family…and in a world that makes it look easier to walk away and “try something (or someone) new” – I’m sticking with what I’ve got…it’s just who I am.

So – I say – “Bring It On”.

(gulp…”Ok God…I’m trusting you here!”) ;)

Just keeping it real –
Lori